Let me take you back to last night: I was in the mood to blog and tell the world How wonderful my life is and how everything is peachy. Then things changed. Well I got in a small tiff with someone and it ruined my blogging mood. I didn't want to blog negative feelings because it wouldn't represent my life. I didn't want the blogging audience to know I was upset and not feeling up to standard. So I didn't blog.
Today, I was excited to come home after a successful work day and try again at telling the world how amazing life is and how blessed I am and blah blah blah.... as I am loading my computer up to blog my frustration comes back. Why is that? Why am I frustrated over something that I jogged off earlier, vented about it with my New friend and was overwhelmed with blessings today. But my thoughts still went back to my frustration. I think I naturally don't like leaving things unresolved. I need to have things worked out. Have a neat bow at the end of all my stories. If there are words left unsaid or I am uneasy about how things worked out... I don't feel comfortable about it. I feel like I need to contact this person and work it out either with a good or bad conclusion. I am 22 years old I am still learning brand new things about myself. Its just an odd thing to realize that you have such a strange quality about yourself. Its not taking away from my day, or ruining my mood or anything big just this small nag in the back of mind that comes back.
hm. Thats all I can really conclude of it. I am just going to have to get over this because nearly nothing comes with a neat bow on it. I am going into a sales positions where I will not get that bow often and I can't have that frustrate me every time. I won't survive out there in the sold lonely Sales world.
With this last sentence, I take a moment to think. There is so much more to life in general. We of course have flaws but I can do so much better than them. I can step above them. I can't believe I nearly accepted this "ok" performance of myself.
New theme song: With Everything- Hillsong United. I want to give everything to the Lord and give him deserving praise!! I am not going to allow myself this "ok" standard when the Lord asks so much more of us! Be encouraged to ask more of yourself. Do not take things laying down and accept them as is. Frustration or not, fight to be better and give the Lord everything you could ever wish for because he has so much to prove! Be lifted up today and find the passion to do more for yourself!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Light
So there is starting to be more light in my Life Path! Just a small flicker but everything counts. Today was a small victory but it felt huge for me because I never allowed my anxious thoughts take control. I never allowed my mind to travel to the future and begin to worry about the unknowns. I stayed calm and remained to keep my eyes on the Lord. With this, he has blessed me with a wonderful 3 weeks of work without a worry and now I am starting to see my path before me. Not a lot but enough to give me confidence that my feet at resting on solid ground. Even though in the big scheme of things I know today will be forgotten quickly but it was a huge victory for me! I was able to prove to myself that I am faithful and have the ability to focus only on the Lord who lives in my nows. The contentment and control are coming slowly and I can feel them taking the reins.
I continue to move forward on this dark path but I have the flickering light next to me. I am confident it will only grow in time to illuminate my future and life the Lord presents for me! What an exciting thing to look forward to! I am excited for the future but I am more than content only thinking about now. Here I come tomorrow and the days after! I plan on keeping you beyond my grasp and understanding where you belong. Thank you Lord for these small victories. They provide more strength than I could have ever imagined.
I continue to move forward on this dark path but I have the flickering light next to me. I am confident it will only grow in time to illuminate my future and life the Lord presents for me! What an exciting thing to look forward to! I am excited for the future but I am more than content only thinking about now. Here I come tomorrow and the days after! I plan on keeping you beyond my grasp and understanding where you belong. Thank you Lord for these small victories. They provide more strength than I could have ever imagined.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Contentment and Control
I have found a church!! I am beyond excited. Its a mega church (1000+ members) but it is perfect of my current stage. They have a large young adult population which is perfect for me right now. I am moving from a college lifestyle to an "adult" lifestyle. I am not completely at full responsibility level but I am approaching. This church will be perfect because it allows me to refuel on worship and they have a million bible studies for me to get involved in! I have already emailed the head bible study lady and I can't wait to hear back from her.
I wanted to start off on a light now. The title examples all the things I have come to realize that I am truly struggling with. While I was sitting in church service, the pastor began with the opening statement "We are going to discuss what makes a woman a Godly woman". I better get my pen and paper out cause I am going to need to take notes on this topic! As I sit there and listen to his message unfold ,which is supported with verses and other life experiences, I realize that I am no were close to being a Godly woman. I am not content with my entire life and I struggle with letting the Lord take full control. When I realized this about myself I not only because frustrated with myself but also with the Lord. I am just going to be blunt. I am not happy that the Lord has allowed me to become single again. I thought I was out for the count. I had checked that box and had moved on. When I dated the last boy I was with, I was so over being single and I was so excited to have such a wonderful man enter into my life. Well since the break up, I have not found myself angry with the boy or anyone else until now. I am flat out mad at God. I prayed against that relationship for months trying to protect my heart and not allow myself to get hurt. Then about 3 months ago, the Lord told me to drop my walls and trust this relationship. I took that as "This is the one". Was I way off base! I am just frustrated that the Lord allowed my heart to be so open and ready for wounds.
When I found this sudden frustration, I became more upset with myself, then I suddenly wanted to let it go and loose control but I was too upset with being single to let it go completely, finally I was back to square one with being frustrated with the Lord again. How do you end this cycle? I have currently given everything up in my life except this tiny thing. Everything in my life appears to be going well except for this tiny thing. This is the only thing holding me back from completely and fully trusting in the Lord. Diving deeper than I ever have been in my relationship. I will discover things about the Lord I've never known before all I need to do is let go. I want to be like David and be a woman after the Lords OWN heart. I want to seek God in all I do but this one thing is preventing me. Its not any one's fault but my own. It would be easier to just let it all go at once but of course my head likes to complicate things. Contentment and Control. Two very simple words that I just need to follow... Deep Breath. Relax. Close my eyes and open my heart, I am here Lord. I am ready to give it all up. All the hurt, all the sour memories, all the good and of course all the bad. Every boy that has crossed my path and left a mark along the way. I want to give it all up! You are the one in control and fighting though this storm. Here we go with this other life we have to continue to live.
I wanted to start off on a light now. The title examples all the things I have come to realize that I am truly struggling with. While I was sitting in church service, the pastor began with the opening statement "We are going to discuss what makes a woman a Godly woman". I better get my pen and paper out cause I am going to need to take notes on this topic! As I sit there and listen to his message unfold ,which is supported with verses and other life experiences, I realize that I am no were close to being a Godly woman. I am not content with my entire life and I struggle with letting the Lord take full control. When I realized this about myself I not only because frustrated with myself but also with the Lord. I am just going to be blunt. I am not happy that the Lord has allowed me to become single again. I thought I was out for the count. I had checked that box and had moved on. When I dated the last boy I was with, I was so over being single and I was so excited to have such a wonderful man enter into my life. Well since the break up, I have not found myself angry with the boy or anyone else until now. I am flat out mad at God. I prayed against that relationship for months trying to protect my heart and not allow myself to get hurt. Then about 3 months ago, the Lord told me to drop my walls and trust this relationship. I took that as "This is the one". Was I way off base! I am just frustrated that the Lord allowed my heart to be so open and ready for wounds.
When I found this sudden frustration, I became more upset with myself, then I suddenly wanted to let it go and loose control but I was too upset with being single to let it go completely, finally I was back to square one with being frustrated with the Lord again. How do you end this cycle? I have currently given everything up in my life except this tiny thing. Everything in my life appears to be going well except for this tiny thing. This is the only thing holding me back from completely and fully trusting in the Lord. Diving deeper than I ever have been in my relationship. I will discover things about the Lord I've never known before all I need to do is let go. I want to be like David and be a woman after the Lords OWN heart. I want to seek God in all I do but this one thing is preventing me. Its not any one's fault but my own. It would be easier to just let it all go at once but of course my head likes to complicate things. Contentment and Control. Two very simple words that I just need to follow... Deep Breath. Relax. Close my eyes and open my heart, I am here Lord. I am ready to give it all up. All the hurt, all the sour memories, all the good and of course all the bad. Every boy that has crossed my path and left a mark along the way. I want to give it all up! You are the one in control and fighting though this storm. Here we go with this other life we have to continue to live.
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